In honor of Christmas Eve, I pose this thought: How many ornaments have fallen to their deaths, thanks to our furry feline friends? Notice dogs aren’t necessarily drawn to destroy the glittery objects. Cats are up to something. And I want to figure out what it is exactly.
Whether they’re kittens experiencing the holidays for the first time, or they’re seasoned pros at destroying decorations, it seems that each year we unpack our seasonal favorites, their pupils quadruple in size and the only thing that matters is murdering the shiny, dangling thing on the tree branch.
The Mission.
Maybe cats are actually part niffler. Or – maybe they’re actually fuzzy, little aliens who are hardwired to destroy such glittery, bright ornaments by their mothership that circles around their home planet. Have you ever wondered why cats act as though they’re the superior beings? Maybe it’s because they know we’re all still in the dark about the existence of other life in space. Meanwhile, these aliens with adorable toe-beans have been living under our noses for thousands of years. I’m sure there’s some sort of mission they must carry out each year.
Christmas Past.
Any cat I’ve ever had has been in love with the Christmas tree decorations. When my parents were first married they had a kitten. The first year with the kitten, the tree was a tad too tall for their home, so they removed the ceiling tile for the season – no biggie, right? No. This little alien had the bright idea to climb up the tree and into the ceiling. Retrieving him must’ve been a doozy. Not to mention, he had a knack for batting off multiple ornaments with one swipe of a paw.
When I was little, I had a kitten, too. She ate ribbon from a present. It dangled out of her rear end like an ornament of her own. Thinking back, I don’t think we ever graduated from cat-proof ornaments to relatively cat-proof decorations (you know – not glass, but not foam, cloth, or paper ornaments). Of course now, ribbons are like welcoming plague-infested rats into the house.
Stuck On You.
In 2010, the first year with the kids (Billy and Maggie), we couldn’t decorate the bottom half of the tree, which was realized within three minutes of putting up the lights. Maggie will eat anything, much like a goat, and Billy is, well – Billy is relentless when he wants something (like bright Christmas lights). And we didn’t want any scenes from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation reenacted (RIP Aunt Bethany’s cat).
Christmas 2019
The kids both turned nine in October (we’ve got three Libras in the house – I’m not sure how any decisions are made), so they’re no longer kittens. However, their “senior” status certainly doesn’t slow them down too much. I’ve found several stray, unbreakable ornaments under various pieces of furniture all year leading up to this Thanksgiving. Some with chew marks, some with clumps of fur woven into the cloth.
But Why The Decorations?
Who really know why cats are hardwired to destroy ornaments and take down trees each year. Maybe it’s simply offensive to their cat culture practiced on their home planet, Caturn. Maybe the lights cut out their signal from the spaceship and they just get choppy messages.
Or, perhaps they’re not aliens at all and just like to murder the shiny, sparkly new objects dangling from some weird tree their owners carried in from outside. (I’m doubtful of this, though.)
Caught Red-handed:
See below a slideshow from 2016-2019. I plan to use this as evidence – one day, we’ll exploit cats for what they are. Furry, sassy aliens.
Samantha Ryce Curreli 