The Drug Test

I’m pretty terrified of the idea of using illegal and controlled substances. Call me boring. Call me straight-edge. Call me whatever. But my brain is a frightening place as it is, so I really don’t want to see what drugs will do to that hot mess. The only time I’ve ever taken a controlled substance was when I had my wisdom teeth ripped out back in 2014 – and after two doses, I projectile puked with fresh stitches in. So, it came as a complete shock when I got the call that I had to retake my pre-employment drug test.

Wait – what? Of all people, I had to retake a drug test. Me, the one who left parties as soon as the pot came out. But apparently, you don’t have to take drugs to screw up a urine sample for a drug test.

I over-prepared

I had about 50 ounces of liquid before leaving for my drug test and my sample was too diluted to actually find conclusive results. I didn’t do this intentionally – I was more concerned that I’d be stuck in the waiting room (in the beginning of the height of the pandemic in Florida), trying desperately to force myself to have to go.

But no. Instead, I over compensated and had 20 ounces of water, 20 ounces of coffee (with cream) and 10 ounces of iced tea. And then I made the wise decision to wait until I actually had to go before leaving the house. I used to have common sense, but I think the southern heat burned that away.

Disney’s The Lion King

I had to wait

Okay. There was one woman ahead of me and something had gone wrong. So, I was unable to check in for about 20 minutes. I think I invented a new form of lap dance from squirming around my chair so much.

Once it was my turn to I check in, the woman ahead of me was called to the back. Five minutes into that, I went back to the counter, figuring if I mentioned I was ready, they would let me into the bathroom and just give me a cup. No one wants to have to mop up their pee sample, right?

That’s okay – take your time

The other woman left, so I figured I could go soon. However, the specimen collector took a break to make coffee, eat a doughnut, call her friend in California, practice her yoga, and I’m pretty sure I smelled cookies baking somewhere in the back.

I worried that I would have to wring out my shorts into the sample cup.

Finally, she came out and whisked me to the back (well, she whisked, I waddled), where I see her prepping to do her nails. With a full set of new acrylics. After I locked my personal belongings in a white box that could be used to store body parts, she had me choose a sample kit, open it, then sign my life away. Oh. And you can’t flush or wash your hands.


Houston, we have a problem

After taking another five minutes to run down the instructions, she let me go. I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. And when it came time to go?

I couldn’t.

For a minute, I sat there with the cup just chilling out there. What if I could never pee again? I’d just be living day by day, sloshing around like a freaking water bed.

And then, Niagara Falls opened up. By the end of it all, I could have filled up 13 sample cups – at least.

But as they say, it’s not about quantity – it’s quality

Which is why although I didn’t test positive for any substance, it was diluted to the point where it seemed suspicious and the test was inconclusive.

So back to the testing site I went.

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